you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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