Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
