My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
