The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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