afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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