Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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