Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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