They should really pass out barf bags in church
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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