Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
