OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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