How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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