the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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