I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
