I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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