I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize