I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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