I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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