Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
