omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
