Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
