I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
operation harelip BJ is a go
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
