I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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