So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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