my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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