Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So apparently I’m into choking now
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