My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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