I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He felt like a one man threesome
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
