Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
