After last night, I could never be a politician.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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