Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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