I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
