my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
