I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
