I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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