her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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