Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
