I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
