I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize