So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize