I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
