hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i've created a new STD.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
