Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
