Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
