I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
