I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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