Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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