the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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