Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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