and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You need a sexual gate keeper
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
