I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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