My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
