So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Too much gin, very little bucket
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
