Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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