a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
