I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
