It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize