you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
