The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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