I accidentally had phone sex last night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize