last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
