I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
