Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
